ponedeljek, 05. april 2010

Drawing the line in a relationship

I have promised to write about the Phyllis Krystal method seminar I attended in Munich and now it’s time to do it. When one first comes across the Phyllis Krystal method and hears that we need to cut the ties to our parents, there is often the fear and the sense of guilt in the form of the sentence: “But I love my parents. I cannot do this. I cannot cut the ties to my parents.”

A simple answer to this dilemma would be: “You want to cut the ties to your parents precisely because you love them.” Cutting the ties means growing up. And by growing up I mean forgiving our parents and taking responsibility for our own lives. I can tell you from my personal experience that I only started to really love my parents about a year after having cut the ties to them.

You can read more about this ritual of cutting the ties in P. Krystal’s books. But please attend a seminar first before trying anything especially if you suffer from a mental illness. The method might stir up the bio-chemicals in your brain too much. Thus you need guidance of an experienced P.K. method practitioner. Also be cautious and talk to your psychiatrist before trying anything out.

The Phyllis Krystal method is just one way to grow up. There are other meditative methods to do that. I suggest you choose the meditative method that suits you best and do it. Another approach for example that might work for you is the Bert Hellinger Family Constellation Work. Again be cautious and talk to your psychiatrist before trying anything out.

Cutting the ties to our parents might also be rephrased by “drawing the line in a relationship”. We need to draw the line in any relationship. And again — we draw the line BECAUSE we love the other person. Putting up with everything that person says or does to us is very selfish in the long run. Why? We can only take a certain amount of “torture”. Some day we will crumble and the relationship will end. The other person will not know what he/she actually did wrong. Nobody reads our mind. We need to speak up. By being quiet and just swallowing everything we are not taking good care of the relationship.

The same goes for people that tend to be dominating and have submissive partners. They should motivate their partners to speak up. This can be called “drawing the line” as well. Let me rephrase what the “drawing the line” for the dominating people might be: “I will only make 50 percent of the decisions at home. You make the other 50 percent.” Or: “I cannot make all decisions by myself. You will have to help me. Let’s find compromises.” With your spouse you only do the figure 8 exercise of Phyllis Krystal method. You never cut the ties to your husband or wife. The figure 8 exercise helps us drawing the line between ourselves and the spouse in everyday situations. With our parents we do the figure 8 exercise as the preparation for cutting the ties though. You can read more about the method in Krystal’s books or attend a seminar of the P. Krystal method.

Let me give you an example of drawing the line in a relationship by describing our marriage. I am learning to be more dominating, since I am submissive in nature. My husband on the other hand is learning to be more submissive, since he is dominating in nature. For us life is a classroom. You live you learn.

You can ask me more about my experience with the P. Krystal method: bb.bukle@gmail.com.

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